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| Capitalstars Investment Advisor |
The joint family is broken. But we can use our personal finances to create an alternate support model that is our own. Here is a list of resolutions I made, based on my interactions and observations at the assisted living facility.
What happens to us when we age? When I meet people living in assisted care, the range of behaviors leaves me somewhat worried. Some are generous and giving, but they are mostly a minority. Others seem angry and suspicious of the people around them. They appear worried and too focused on themselves. Such generalizations are dangerous, however, I do see these patterns and feel concerned.
Last week, I read a book for a 92-year old woman. She had a nagging body ache and was convinced she would die soon. She was determined to make it difficult for everyone else since she was suffering. The assisted living center where she was housed was tiring from her tantrums for everything.
When I finished reading to her, she broke down. The book was a moving family story. She told me how much she hates aging. How tough she found it, dealing with weakening limbs and aching bones, and how difficult it was for her to bear the pain. She recalled her youth when she played tennis and ran marathons. It was a combination of regret and resentment, but she told me she could not live with her body anymore.
Frailty is not an easy thing to deal with. Sometimes we substitute mental bravado to tell ourselves everything will be alright, said one gentleman of 90. But it lasts only until the next episode of illness, he rued. Denial is a good thing sometimes, he argued with me. You beckon the mind to support the weak body.
What happens when we all age, I fear. In another 30 years, will I become a cantankerous woman who dislikes herself and the world around her? Will my romanticized notion of a kind and generous grandmom wilt under the pressures of physical infirmities? Here is a list of resolutions I made, based on my interactions and observations at the assisted living facility.
First, I will find an alternate support system that sustains and nurtures me. The joint family of yore was a good set up that had in-built buffers and support for the young, the aged, the desolate and the invalid. We have long given that up for practical reasons. Today, we live with the determination that we will not burden our children.
But the need for community seldom goes away. We are a generation that leaned on friends, and that is how it shall be as we age. Just as the sisterhood saw us through our tough years as mothers and aging women, there will be a bond as friends age together. It will ensure we are there for one another.
There will be a house that keeps us together, and there will be food, conversations, laughter and music. There will be care for those who lose their spouse, and there will be a garden full of flowers, fruits, and birds to stroll into. I am determined to create this with my close circle of family and friends. We shall pool our resources to make this happen and bring to the table our skills as managers to create a sustainable solution that is fair, equitable and well-funded.
Second, we will ensure that our lives include the young. In my assessment, one of the reasons for assisted living facilities to be gloomy and pale is the lack of laughter. Little children and young people bring cheer, positivity, and optimism to the atmosphere. In some Scandinavian countries, college students are offered accommodation at old age homes in exchange for volunteering. We like that model.
If we can integrate the young, through a set of activities that interest them, it might be mutually beneficial. We could tell stories; teach math and languages; watch films and discuss the nuances; hear music and teach them to appreciate it, and pass on the lessons of our life without becoming too overbearing. Imagine doing this in a remote village that does not have access to such facilities. How transformative it would be for the children growing there, to receive such education from elders.
Third, we will strive to simplify and minimize. We will pursue the path of consuming less, hoarding even less and living with just the essentials. The burden of things becomes too much as we age. It is sensible to stop spending money and time on stuff and focus instead on life. That reduces our expenses, makes it easy to move when needed and reduces the stress about what happens to stuff after we are gone.
Fourth, we will find a way to finance all of this, even as we plan to retire. There is the cost of establishment, cost of living, activities, and interests, the corpus needed for healthcare and medical treatments and the details of bequest and giving away. This is a serious financial enterprise, where money must be found for the expected and the unexpected.
We are considering a consolidation of all assets into primarily financial assets that will have higher flexibility. Properties will be disposed of and the proceeds invested. We will make plans for the house and how the finances of that enterprise will be shared and managed by the group. We will draw upon the wisdom of age to establish common rules so that we can live together harmoniously.
Many accuse me of still being romantic about aging. But my perception is that the bitterness comes from the loneliness. We cannot solve it traditionally anymore because we want to be in charge and don’t want to guilt-trip the children either. Retirement planning in our head, therefore, has two components – the first 15 years of energy and strength to travel, do more, and learn. The next 15-20 years of settling down with a community of our choice, in a bond of love, attention, company and caring. In a model that includes the young, the garden, the animals and the birds. With food and music flowing every day. Our personal finances will be aligned to serve these goals.
The joint family is broken. But we can use our personal finances to create an alternate support model that is our own. We can try to preserve the joy of purposeful living.
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